Living Freedom

Even the light of the bedroom lampshade was bothering her. The whistling of the wind outside was annoying and lying in bed was bringing her no comfort at all. Guri had not yet returned, most likely he was out with his friends again. Her eyes were moistening up, she jumped out of bed, struggled to find her slippers in the dark, stumbled, but held on to the make-up chair as she balanced herself and avoided falling down. She went to Mia’s room to see if she was covered, although she had already turned five and covered herself when it was cold. Mia reminded her of herself. They were four siblings, and as the only girl she slept in a separate room but the cold would wake her up. Mia’s room was a tiny corner with toys and plushies. She shuddered at the sight of her graceful fragility, tried to hug her but stopped and lightly touched her head. Mia rolled around, opened her eyelids halfway, was overwhelmed by the warmth of her presence, and closed her eyes again as if she wanted to prolong that magical moment for both of them.

After giving birth, there had been those small bouts of anxiety and uncertainty about raising her daughter. Guri’s mother and sister, who were very careful, had offered to help her, but she did not want to make too many demands and become a burden. God damn it, she didn’t want this situation and she had also told her two close friends, who tried to cheer her up with jokes and stop her from overthinking. She would cling tightly to beautiful memories of all her people and this was a sort of self-healing that worked at one point in time.

She began to sympathize more with the women she had met as a social worker and surprisingly this saddened her more because she happened to meet Guri at a conference where he worked as an IT and she was a panelist. On the third day during the lunch break, Guri had been intentionally playing Savage Garden’s hit on his phone, and at the verse “I knew I loved you before I met you,” their eyes met and sparks erupted. Then the conversations flowed beautifully, he had courted her with his jokes, his dedication to work. 

Last year, on her thirty-second birthday, since she disliked pompous celebrations, to throw her a party, her brothers, Petrit, Arian, and Lum, pretended they were celebrating the first contract of their home refurbishment company, claiming this made them look good in their industry. It had not been easy for them, but they inherited the indomitable and hardworking genes of their parents, who had been active until their last breath. All three were very attentive to Diana, their niece, and maintained a well-balanced relationship and approach with their brother-in-law. Since they were younger, she was always emotionally involved with them, and they often joked about it, and laughed heartily at her instinctive caring and protective reactions, but Diana would retort, “there’s nothing you can do, I’m not changing”; she was just happy, she was proud that they were continuing with their studies in addition to their work.

“Diana, tomorrow we have dinner together with friends, and my mother comes to take care of Mia until we return.” 

“Do I have to be there?”she responded sharply.

“Yes, because other people’s wives will also be there”, Guri bluntly said. This had left her with a bitter taste but she did not continue it further. Then how and what happened there was a different matter. She didn’t fit in with them and didn’t want to spend time pretending, she said this bluntly to Guri when they were coming back, but since he had had a few drunks and had a good time there, he was feeling fine, and apparently he was not able to reflect on what he was saying; the next day, being hungover, he had been in a bad mood. Just one more thing to forget. 

“You know, we decided to go to Greece for the weekend”, he told her triumphantly. 

“Who decided?”, she snapped back.

“The four of us talked”, but he was already feeling that the situation was becoming tense. 

“Aha well, have a great time!”. 

“Have a great time?”, was all he could repeat shifting to a tone that Diana could not bear. Since she said no, he had found an excuse for his friends about why they could not join the trip. 

That weekend had been one of the most difficult for Diana. Guri had only harsh words, even the few things he said, and spent most of the time watching sports channels on TV and his phone. He tried to be a nice daddy with their daughter, but he did not spend too much time with her.

Going out and parties in the last year were being held separately, each with their own friends, but those of Guri were more frequent and his presence at home was fading.

“We need to talk”, she told him. 

“About what”, he replied with a colorless timbre. 

“About us. What’s going on with you? I have never forced you to join parties with my friends because I didn’t want to impose my company on you. I have tried to adapt for your sake, you know, but you can’t order people to be friendly, it is a personal choice. Have I ever hindered you in your relationships with friends?”. Diana confronted him with the chronology of facts when he just replied, “You have humiliated me in front of my friends. There were other parties I did not go to because of your absence”.

“And? Where do you belong in the first place? Don’t you see the difference?”, complained Diana. This irritated Guri, he got up from the chair where he was working on his laptop. “No, don’t be angry”, continued Diana, “just tell me that your love is over and don’t throw around fictitious reasons”. He puffed in anger and ran away. In the midst of this tension, Mia entered the room and everything was put on hold for two days after this conversation, while he was leaving early in the morning to go to work and was coming back very late, to avoid Diana.

Mia had sunk into her angelic sleep again that night. This year’s winter was getting pretty bleak for Diana. She heard the entrance door open and immediately headed towards the living room. They found themselves in front of each other, he wanted to swoop in to walk past her. “Wait”, she cried. He looked at her ironically, crossing his arms, but as soon as the pupils of his eyes opened, he recognized that determination in Diana’s language. She spoke calmly, “I will not deceive myself to cheat myself out of our breakup”.